'Tree-huggie' teen son's stance on poached egg leaves dad seething

Dear Ellie: I'm the father of a son, 13, and husband of a hard-working wife, so I sometimes get stuck with the apron. I don't mind,but recently my tree-huggie son asked me what's for dinner. I said,"A poached egg" on bread.

Immediately, he went into tree-huggie mode and threatened to callthe police and every animal rights group on the planet.

I tried to explain that the dictionary has several meanings for"poached": One is the illegal killing of animals and another is astyle of cooking an egg.

Last year, my son was into video games; this year, he talks aboutrunning away at 17 to the East Coast, to keep fishing boats fromdocking. I'm losing control of my son, and I can't get him tounderstand that "poached" is OK for an egg, but not an animal.

DOUBLE MEANINGS

Dear Double Meanings: Relax, Dad, you've got a bright, curious andpassionate teenager of whom you can be proud! He's the kind of kidneeded in a generation that has to clean up some of our environmentalmesses, and devote time and energy to preserving our planet throughhumanitarian-based efforts. Applaud and encourage both hisquestioning and his learning.

You can also learn with him by looking at the dictionary together,and by doing some Internet searches with him on subjects that arousehis interest.

I must add that your using labels that diminish the value of hisbehavior, such as "tree-huggie" -- though you may mean themaffectionately or with humor -- are likely perceived as put-downs.These could discourage him and/or push his interests to someextremes, just to cause a reaction from you.

But you must be smarter than that, to have already raised such aninteresting son.

Dear Ellie: I've been married for 27 years and have two sons intheir 20s. For the past year I've found that my husband and I havebeen slipping away from each other. He's taken up with Internetpoker, though not for real money.

It has taken over his life and ours. He doesn't come to bed withme anymore. He's temporarily not working, so he has more time on hishands, but even when he was employed he would play before or afterwork. We do watch TV together for a couple of hours, but as soon as Igo to bed he heads straight to the computer and stays there until allhours, even until 10 the next morning. Then he'll sleep all day.

I've expressed how I feel many times, and our friends joke withhim about it, but he sees nothing wrong. So I just hurt inside. I'vetaken control of the whole household; he just brings in his paycheck.We've become roommates instead of a couple. I don't know what to door say anymore.

STUMPED AND ALONE

Dear Stumped and Alone: Your husband is Internet-addicted -- anaffliction that's affecting at least 6 percent of computer users,experts say, and that's a lot, considering the millions of usersworldwide. Moreover, people who are unhappy, depressed or don't knowhow to deal with problems are more vulnerable to addictions such asthis.

Given your husband's unemployment and changed sleeping pattern(avoiding contact as well as responsibilities), he certainly fits thepicture. Use a different approach and ask about how he is feeling,rather than how it's affecting you. Point out that these changes inhim have you worried and you'd like him to see a doctor.

Be sure to inform his doctor of your husband's altered lifestyle,and ask for a referral to a cognitive behavior therapist, if thedoctor agrees. Then urge your husband to go, and suggest it's what'sneeded to save your marriage. If he won't go, you should considercounseling for yourself, to weigh your options.

Dear Ellie: I'm 28 and have been dating my boyfriend for more thantwo years. I love him. Though I'm not ready for marriage or children,I want to know we're headed in that direction.

When I ask if he loves me and whether we have a future together,both his answers are, "I don't know."

Is he a commitment-phobic who'll eventually come around, or am Ifoolish to stay with him?

UNSURE

Dear Unsure: Read his lips: He doesn't know and doesn't care toreassure you. But he's making sure he can't be accused of leading youon.

It's a self-protective tactic and a signal that you should beprotecting yourself, too. Date others.

Tip of the Day: A curious, challenging teenager is often thebeginning of a civically engaged adult.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail toaskellie@suntimes.com.